I can't see

... It's not every day that you are met with complete freedom of expression, every thought pouring into your head igniting the crocodile portion of your brain [the preheistoric and blatantly base emotional centre of your personality]. Today has been a corner turner.

Casually wiping tears of joy from my face as I headed towards a place [any place] where I could off load my thoughts, I settled upon a pub which sits adjacent a roundabout. The significance is that I have some choices to make. The irony of being situated at a junction of 3 busy roads is not lost on me either. I write this blog post with watery eyes.

I describe myself as loyal, hard working, passionate, can be inspired at times, and definitely productively self centred.

Loneliness. That's a horrible feeling isn't it? It creeps up on you, and you are willing to upturn reality just so that you can avoid its painful clutches.

During my childhood I was very lonely. Seeking attention was the only way I could find the interaction that I craved.

Every single child NEEDS attention. To feel important, and loved. They also need guidance....

A few years ago my childhood crutch left this world. One of the most important people to me, winked out of existence. We shared an awful amount of formative experiences. Melded together in a maelstrom of adversity.

I thank the lord that we had some inspired drunken chats and a few explosive encounters to remember.

This person benefitted from being so close to me. I know that. That fills me with both pride and joy. I wasn't enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. But I no longer feel guilt for that. He was fortunate to know me, as I was incredibly blessed to know him.

From time to time i get blind sided by the amount of loss i feel for that cool cat.

I had felt guilt for a long time, long before he left us. Did I try hard enough? Did he not respect me enough? Well I did try extraordinarily hard, I work my balls off to help him. It wasn't enough though.

Like I said its not my fault, I see that now. But it won't stop me from being the best I can for others, myself and my own family - should I be lucky enough to have one.

Would he be looking at me and appreciating the amount of time I spend thinking about him day to day. Yes. I know he loved me, immeasurably. I just wish that the circumstances were slightly different, I just wish that he was spared the war of childhood.

He was a gud'un...

Optimums Prime trumps Witches! Bitches!!

Ever since I can remember, creativity has been a hugely important area of my life.

I was always picking up pencils, felt -tips, materials and crayons. It didn't matter what I was drawing, colouring in or building - so long as other people got a chance to see my work. That was important. I wanted to be able to announce to the world that "I did that".

Obviously it did not always happen as I intended. My interest waned pretty fast, as I moved from one project to another. Failing each time.

One failure I remember was not due to me not finishing. I fashioned a complete Optimums Prime costume from cereal boxes. I wore it, and paraded in it during the end of the school year costume competition.

I lost to a cute blonde girl who wore a bin liner, held a broom stick and pretended to be a witch. I know what you want to ask - and no it was not Halloween... it was middle of the summer. Witches had no business being out in the daylight! The bitch! But I'm not bitter.

As I aged towards 10 years old, I remember concerning myself with earning money, saving money. I recall doing the maths on my pocket money, calculating how much I would own by the time I turned 13. I then compared this against the loss of enjoyment during over such a long period of not spending. It didn't look good for saving... so I didn't. I come up with another idea.

I worked out what I wanted, and then thought of even more odd ways to secure investment in my ideas from others, rather than spend my own money.

My brothers probably suffered most from this.

Ideas were running rampant in my head by the time I was 13. I wrote stories which were getting recognised in school, I earned special credit for a national writing competition entry one year. I was presented with the certificate it in front of the whole school.

Later that year I created a weekly school comic book, and a history board game which went on to be adopted by a teacher as a learning aide for her lessons. The board game as it turns out, helped me into a another passion of mine. Game design and role-playing.

I spent years honing my story telling skills, developing current games and play testing them with my friends. Who am I kidding. They were guinea-pigs. We all knew it. I managed to play test a number of story lines with them and heavily advanced an existing game design to meet with our particular requirements. To cut a long story short, the idea was ripped off by a toy giant, and I lost a lot of confidence. My plans to be a games designer were put on the back burner. Frozen in time.

Then, I got my hands on my first mobile phone when I turned 23. Oh my God. All I wanted to do was own a cool phone and put it through it's paces. Eventually, I bought a connection lead, and some editing software.

I designed operator logos for Nokia phones and sold them to my mates down the pub. This led onto me designing niche mini [car] logos for classic car enthusiasts. They gobbled them up. Cheques for £5 or £10 were flying my way. The money wasn't massive, but it was an indicator that I was on the right track.

12 months later, I closed the micro business down, as time was at a premium due to exams and life was getting in the way. My confidence was restored.

During the next 13 years, I dabbled in property, becoming a landlord for a fraction of a second. Didn't like that. Mean while my engineering career continued to slow burn it's way into my life.

I found other ways to feed my creativity. I continued to write short stories, did a bit of photography, developed branding, toyed with mixing music on the PlayStation, and optimised processes where ever I felt the need to.

But to what end? A great question [more to follow soon].


Cuba

That's a good question

It's amazing, life that is. We can flow quite contently from one experience to another, only paying lip service to the lessons taught to us by our parents or mentors. Is it we do not understand the lessons or ourselves? Yet.

I say yet, because at one point in time, and this point could be literally, anytime - it will dawn on us that we are the architects of our own success and destruction.

The unfortunate thing, for the more strong minded and stubborn amongst us, this realisation may occur on our death beds. Don't laugh. It happens.

My life has been a loaded tunnel of realisations and epiphanies. I have been jumping from one foot to the other like I was constantly walking on hot coals - exclaiming to the world that I KNOW! I know what makes me tick...

My friends [who really know me] would describe me as a 'whole' person struggling to destroy and reinvent myself at every possible insurrection.

Why? Well that's a good question. It always is isn't it?

Over the years I have become quite efficient at it. Destruction. Perhaps I'm still not yet comfortable with my inner dreams and thoughts yet. I know that I have not yet reached my full potential, and that is an exciting thought.

I was told recently that I am quite negative as a person. A pessimist. Contrary to this, I had always thought of myself as an optimist! How could I have gotten that so wrong? It's basic.

I was also told that I seemed to have made turning negativity energy to positivity into an art form. This is how create, this is how I mange to succeed against all the odds. It's in my nature to prevail. I listen to others speak about their problems and challenges, and I see salvation, I can't help but smile. I know the way out.

It is cool being me.

Tapping into my subconscious will be my mission for the next few weeks. I need to find answers to a few questions;

-Why do I well up every-time I speak about my brothers? Seriously every-time.
-Why am I continuously over compensating?
-How do I remove my tendency to procrastinate?


Cuba.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Network Gurning

Hi there.

We been busy lately, and when I say we, I mean the many different personas which I am currently having to balance @ work.

I never knew that speaking to so many different people professionally can have such a hugely exhausting effect! Perhaps I can assume from this that I quite haven't found a natural way to be myself and help potential clients with their needs.

I can keep trying for now though.

First things first - I thought that I knew what my own personal USP was (unique selling point).... it turns out that this is not what I should be most concerned about. It turns out that I should be most concerned with finding out what I am all about first, before I try and service the needs of others.

Done for now.

How to kill the night

Been a great few months. Starting a new job with more emphasis on my creative side... design and business related. My new employers have invested in my potential to do well for them and myself.

I am getting the best experiences at no cost to me.

With a mind full of potential new ideas to digest and curious teasers for my future - I launched myself into the night, running shoes on and snow under foot.

Well merry christmas to those who stumble across my little blog, and a happy newyear.

Creative Interlude X?

I haven't been paying attention to the number of interludes which I have written to date - so I apologise if this is a repeat number.

Just checked and infact it is creative interlude VII - which doesn't seem like an awful lot really. I feel that I have give a lot more creativity.... nevermind.

Creative Interlude VII


A dark shadow cast long and clingy,
Straight and contoured to an imperfect finish,
Removed by shallow wisps of a crisp and clean winter sky,
Only to re-ignite upon a whim or wind driven spout.
A layered existence which brings joy to my eyes,
Is not random, is re-visited and returns.
Blotched fingers faded and vibrating subtley,
Animated and with personality they appear to me,
Beyond the apple tree.



Cuba 2010

Gloss and Floss

Been reading. Again.

Ressurecting my intensive deep thoughts on the environment I exist does not take long nowadays - it's a constant bookmark in my life.

I have realised that I inflict my friends, bending the ears of anyone who will listen to my rants and misunderstandings of why, how, what and the happily ever after...this is part down to me not writing about what it is on my mind. Like here and now.

Just resisted the temptation to type 'crazy', because this is what I have been saying lots recently. I guess it has become a word that I use to cover up not only my disbelief at what has just happened (or occurring), but my genuine stupidity at not knowing what to say next... so it comes out. I know this is a bit random, but I need to purge myself of some of these innane thoughts which have been bothering me before I can rest on something meaningful.... here it comes.

Nothing. That's better.

If I were to write a list of things which I need to improve upon in my life, personality and general well being, then I think it would go on for ever... is this normal? Does simply talking about it and not doing anything about it make me feel better? Temporarily it does - long term though I am willfully ignoring the obvious signs of a person in distress.

You know what, I have just realised that I do not understand what it is I am doing or meant to do unless either I hear myself say it - or write it down for me to read back. I regurgitate it like this is all my own idea! Like I could ever come up with something that useful! :-(

I read, I watch, I listen, I experiment and experience. Yet I cannot put my finger on where in my life that I change from being the man 'inflicted' by indescision and poor life choices to the guru who feel the need to deal out advice and life changing philosophies.

Perhaps I have cleared enough space for me to write a poem or do something creative now - let's see.

Breaking in my sea legs - not my neck

Hey Bloggers.

Feeling real stiff all over my body today due to some indoor 'real snow' freestyle boarding shinnanegans on Friday evening. I arrived at the snow centre early and gathered alongside a number of others looking to do the same.

I went on my own, but there were groups and other individuals togging up and strutting their stuff around changing area.

I avoided the freestyle park for about 45mins, then decided to hit up their rather large kickers. First time I have done anything quite so big! Landing is a pain if you haven't launched correctly. I managed to grab the board a few times and land on the down slope.

All in all a great eveing out! DJ was doing his thang and I landed on my neck without any major injury concerns... some guy scooted over to me afterwards as he had his mobile out ready to call in the ambulance. Apparently it looked quite nasty. It was.

Looking forward to hitting the slope up again verrrry soon :-)

Cubola

Spot Attack

Yes, YES! A spot. You know what that means? STRESSSSssss!!! All you people out there causing my stress and agro are giving me spots! It could be the last few seshs in the steam room which are cleaning out my extraodrinarily large pores... but I prefer to blame everyone else.


You did it.


CAKAKa

Top Tips for organising short Snow Boarding Breaks

Expansive issue this. I think you'll agree with that, otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question... "Gary, how do I organise a snow break wit me pals/partner/family (delete as appropiate) without wishing I was millionaire with more time on his/her hands than a tanning salon owner in Scotland?"

I got news for you - accept that it will cost you more per head, per day basis than booking a week long jaunt. Not hard to imagine really, but as there are less companies which will deal with those midweek or weekend deals than ones willing to package you up a full week long deal.. then premium rates need only apply.

This does not mean that you cannot do it cheaply! Not at all, you can cut corners and do the legwork yourself and save a hunner (£100) if you are lucky.

To be clear about the about the advice I am now about to offer, I am aiming this post at working boarders/skiers who want to reduce the amount of annual leave they spend. This maybe due to many different reasons, but my favourite one is so that you can squeeze in more time on the snow without lending your entire life over to gnarly surf [don't spell check me BLOGGER!] from Jan to April every year, and, AND still have holiday left to sun yourself with your significant other.

It's got to be cheap, uncomplicated, and awesome.

First things first, find yourself a snow loving mate, who is a control freak, passionate about doing a job well, naturally thick skinned and self centered. He or she will do all the seemingly never ending web searching, organising and admin bollox. This role is important, but not as important as good friends and good times though.

Next up you got to have the 'snow dawg'. The one person in your group who eveyone wants to riiiiide with. This person generally will not care too much about where it's going down or how much it'll cost. They live to surf. It may not be obvious at first as to why this lady/gentleman is important - but it will, trust me.

First stop - run a commercial package deal online. This will give you a flavour of the cost. It's a great point of reference to use when lots of other offers start coming in.

All-in prices are as follows (in general terms);

£250 - £400 (4nights) AWESOME!!
£400 - £500 (4nights) Yarp, surfs up.
£500 and above.... book a week man - DO IT!

As you can see from above, the price differences are tight. This is why it's important to do your homework. When us snow junkies say all-in, we mean covering ALLLLLL of the following;

1. Flights/Train tickets (both ways)
2. Transfers (both ways)
3. Kit hire OR kit carriage (both ways / all days)
4. Slope passes (Local only for now)
5. Taxes
6. Food (B&B/Full/Half Board)
7. Fu(k Factor (I'll explain this below)

Now, F.F. is not so important to everyone, but some of us are laydees when we go on hols. If you are smart, you'll know who they are in your group already. This is the emphasis placed on comfort of your holiday experience (transport mainly) vs. a raw 'hit'n split' mentality. When I say 'hit'n split' I mean driving/travelling an hour or more to the slopes and back to the hotel every day, in the name of having a good time.
For some people this crazy attitude does not constitute a good time. YOU NEED TO SET THESE RULES FIRST!


It the most part, a full squad of weekenders may not be in tow at this stage. Most will want others to do the leg work on prices and places first before they put forward their ideas forward too. This is where your bulldawg control freak earns their vin chaud credits. If you haven't realised this already... thats you. Yes YOU! No other person in your group would have read this posting for as long without the necessary need to do a proper job and commitment. So atleast you got your crazy control freak sorted and onboard....

Lets give you some tools to do your job now.

1. Run that web search on package deals. Add on all the extras which make the basis of the holiday and send it out to your chums. Suggest that they all do the same. As their deals come in, you can then talk about the next stage.
2. Why you going? Many, many reasons are good answers here - but be weary of those who answer with this; "I have never been there - so thats why I want to go there". The problem with this answer is that it can possibly cut out the rest of the group. It's a self indulgent request and will not help the group book. A good answer is, "This place has got great apres ski, thats why I like it". This answer gives you a response that you can work with. Therefore you can put a positive spin on your suggestions, by researching the cool spots to hit up in the resort ;-)
3. Hopefully the biggest reason for boarding together will be because you all love to hang with each other - and look forward to that. Next up is try becoming a member of a snowboarding forum. Thiese places are full of cool folk who LOVE their boarding and know an awful lot about where to go, what is cheap and how to enjoy yourself. Don't be afraid to quote them to your friends. They know their shit.
4. Once you have a couple of good options, then let the group think on it for a few days first, It's good to let eveyone do some final checks and hopefully before the prices begin rising, you'll have the lions share of the group booked. More importantly, get the snow dawg onboard. This guy/gal is the key to involving the party as a whole. If snow dawg is coming, then the snow party will definitely be a righteous one.

Right, I think thats all you need to get started. I cannot possibly offer up all my favourite deals to tease you and generally lord it over you... but the best bit of advice I can give you is, get a good group. Love the time spent with them, because when you are trying to spin a holiday for your buddies - the final speach that always gets the job done is sentimental crap spoken from the heart.

More gold dust from Cuba. Love me.